If Men Ran the World
Courtesy of Suzie S.
1) Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2) Birth control would come in beer, wine and liquor.
3) Valentine's Day would be move to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4) On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day also.
5) St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6) Garbage would take itself out.
7) The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
8) Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
9) Tanks would be far easier to rent.
10) When a cop gives you a ticket, every smart-ass answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is that I was spilling beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $10.00 off."
11) People would never talk about how frest they felt.
12) Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
13) Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards every year.
14) Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
15) It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
16) Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that says "You're #1".
17) When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the big game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out.
18) Nodding and looking at your watch would be an acceptable response to "I Love You".
19) The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
20) "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
21) At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a Brontasauras and right into your car like Fred Flinstone.
22) Lifeguards could remove people from the beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
23) Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.