New Year's Resolutions for Pets


  1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
  2. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  3. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
  4. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
  5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.
  7. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
  8. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
  9. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
  10. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
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