Yard Dog Rules
From: Leona Weinstein
Basic Rules for Dogs That Have a Yard to Protect:
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the
front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway
every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person.
If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face
and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So
bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting
their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely
in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to
keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side
of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is
your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break
as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after
all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite---
catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry.
...Eat a shoe.