Want Ads

Courtesy of David R.

What the Classified Ad Says and What it Really Means:

     Word processing skills essential:
     
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Salary range $24,000- $32,000:
The salary is $24,000.

Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

     Women and minorities encouraged:
     
White males need not waste the time to apply.

Top-notch communications skills:
Telemarketing.

Salary negotiable:
We'll take the lowest bidder.

     Advancement opportunity:
     
Crappy job.

Entry level:
Really a crappy job.

     No experience necessary:
     
The mother of all crappy jobs.

     Administrative assistant:
     
Crap job with a title.

     Ground floor opportunity:
     
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

     Progressive company:
     
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

     Upbeat personality:
     
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Public relations:
Receptionist.

     Professional appearance important:
     
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe.

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME.

Jeans job!:
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

     Will train:
     
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

     B.A. required, master's preferred:
     
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary.

     Outstanding benefits package:
     
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!:
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do rolled them into one job.

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

     Secretary:
     
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company.

     Dedicated:
     
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

     Salary commensurate:
     
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

     Competitive salary:
     
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

     Competitive starting salary:
     
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

     Professional atmosphere:
     
Zombie pod people.

     Fun, creative atmosphere:
     
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

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