Word processing skills essential:
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.
Salary range $24,000- $32,000:
The salary is $24,000.
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.
Women and minorities encouraged:
White males need not waste the time to apply.
Top-notch communications skills:
We'll take the lowest bidder.
Really a crappy job.
No experience necessary:
The mother of all crappy jobs.
Crap job with a title.
Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.
Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe.
Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME.
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, master's preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary.
Outstanding benefits package:
Tons of variety!:
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do rolled them into one job.
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.
The most powerful position in the company.
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.
A staff of pod people.
Zombie pod people.
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.
Zombie pod people from hell.
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.