How to Order Pizza

Courtesy of David R.

  • If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  • Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  • Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
  • Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
  • Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  • Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  • Change your accent every three seconds.
  • Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  • Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
  • Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
  • If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the window."
  • Rent a pizza.
  • Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  • Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  • Play a sitar in the background.
  • Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  • Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  • Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  • Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  • Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
  • Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  • Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
  • Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  • Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  • Put them on hold.
  • Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  • Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  • When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
  • While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  • Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
  • Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
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