Stories/Jokes: Military Humor

Military 12 Step Program

Courtesy of David R.

12 Step Program for Recovering from the Military:

1. I am in the military, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

  • Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
  • Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
  • "F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
  • Grunting is not talking.
  • It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out".
  • People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.

3. Style:

  • Do not put creases in your jeans.
  • Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
  • A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
  • A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
  • So does a low reg, but not as bad.
  • A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
  • You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:

  • Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
  • Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
  • Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:

  • In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
  • Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
  • How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
  • The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:

  • In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you".
  • That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
  • That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter.

6. Bodily functions:

  • Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
  • The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
  • You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
  • VD will also not be funny.

7. The human body:

  • Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:

  • One day, you will have to pay bills.
  • Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
  • Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
  • One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):

  • Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:

  • They really can fire you.
  • On the flip side you really can quit.
  • Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
  • Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
  • Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800.

11. The Law:

  • Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
  • Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested.
  • Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job.
  • Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:

  • You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
  • Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
  • They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
  • Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
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