Courtesy of David R.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering
a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):(ORSA model developed on contract)
- INFANTRY: Snake smells them, leaves area.
- AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
- ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
- AVIATION: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and
- RANGER: Plays with snake, then eats it.
- FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
- SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains
it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon
- COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake
using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces
don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake
- NAVY SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.
- NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake force projection.
- MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
- MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.
- COMBAT CONTROLLERS: Guides snake elsewhere.
- PARA-RESCUE JUMPER: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
SUPPLY: Notice: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder
- TRANSPORT PILOT: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers
two weeks after due date.
- F-15 PILOT: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
- F-16 PILOT: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (too hot also too cold, was clear but too
overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud
cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,
high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to
kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
- AH-64 APACHE PILOT: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power
lines or SAM's.
- UH-60 BLACKHAWK PILOT: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
- B-52 PILOT: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
- MISSILE CREW: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to
use nuclear weapons.
- INTELLIGENCE OFFICER: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
- JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
- FIELD PSYCHIATRIST: Assume the snake is dead.... How do you
feel about that?