Stories/Jokes: Computer Humor

How to Unsubscribe

This was posted by the frustrated moderator of a Yahoo Groups list after a subscriber had taken up several days of list space asking for directions on how to unsubscribe which s/he was apparently unable to comprehend....

"If this is truly a plea to be unsubscribed you should know that there's a very simple, if not inexpensive, way to do so."

"To unsubscribe from this list you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA. This is a single use item and if there is more than one list that you wish to leave you will need to purchase additional units."

"Carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimeter torque fork. Make sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube."

"Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the Duck Tape adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly. The square pin is used here. We'll discuss the round one later."

"Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber."

"To insure correct operation, the device should be calibrated before using the optional digital corkscrew optional extra accessory pack, not included, prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force the door open to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi."

"Close the door and seal it shut with more duct tape."

"The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use."

"Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper lowered oxygen level and a lower barometric pressure. The differential pressure insures a direct downdraft to your own email server without crossover detrimous and obfuscation of your next door neighbors own system. The user can avoid a trip out of the home to do this with the additional purchase of a pressure changer like that used in eliminating "the bends" in SCUBA divers. For those living above this altitude an 18.5 hp. shop-vac attached to a lexan, air tight box will suffice to lower the perceived altitude."

"Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. NOTE, a "regular ratchet" won't work here. If you lose the special ratchet we won't replace it. You'll need to purchase a new Subscription Cancellation Unit."

"The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off. Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system."

"Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute; plus or minus 5. Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously, then press enter."

"You will have one-second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond within the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O- Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start over from the beginning."

"Please remember that this is the only way for you to unsubscribe from this list. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience."

"Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription, so please follow the above directions closely."

"Or you can simply leave the group by going to the home page and use the Leave Group link."

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