Honest Job App

Courtesy of Randy C.

  • NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
  • SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
  • DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place
  • DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
  • EDUCATION: Yes.
  • LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
  • PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
  • MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
  • REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
  • HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
  • PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
  • DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
  • MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
  • DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
  • DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
  • HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
  • DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
  • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
  • NEAREST RELATIVE .....7 miles
  • DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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