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Signs of a Bad Divorce


Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well:

  • Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
  • Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
  • The judge is seriously considering your spouse's request for custody of your immortal soul.
  • Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.
  • Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
  • Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness list.
  • Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
  • Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
  • Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing "Safety Concerns."
  • You discover that Judge Jacques' last name is actually *not* pronounced "Jack-ass."
  • In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
  • Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
  • Johnnie Cochran's closing argument: "If dad goes gay, he's got to pay!"
  • During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.
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