Courtesy of Nancy A.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the
last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
- Oil Change $20.00
- Coffee $1.00
- Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree, write a check for
- Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20, drive
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
oil on you in process.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes! looking for oil filter
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid
Drink a beer.
- Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
- Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the
oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it back to
Kragen to recycle.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step
- Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
- Drink beer.
- Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain
plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cl
evenly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
Wash drain plug in
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now
on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
- Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw stupid crescent wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
hit bowling trophy.
- Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
required to stop blood
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the
- Car gets impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
- Parts $50.00
- DUI $2500.00
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1500.00
- Beer $40.00
- Total-- $4165.00
But you know the job was done right