New Medications


B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.


D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.


E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.


D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?"


J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.


A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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