HOW TO SIMULATE US NAVY SHIPBOARD LIFE IN YOUR HOME

1. When commencing this simulation, remember to lock all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbor will hold for a month before delivering, losing one out of every five.

2. Surround yourself with 150 people you would not choose to be with: people who chain smoke, fart loudly and often, snore like a steam locomotive on an uphill grade. People who use expletives in speech like children use sugar on cereal are good candidates.

3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from the outside world, but have a neighbor bring you last month's issues of Time, Newsweek, The Retired Officer, and Playboy (with all the photos cut out).

4. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording vital parameters (plugged in, light comes on as door is opened, etc.). If not in use, log as "SECURED." Make line drawing of all piping and electrical circuits.

5. Do not flush toilets for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using it. After that, flush and overflow once daily. At least every five days, post a sign stating "The Sewage System is Secured Until Further Notice." It is OK to forget to remove this sign. Take a shower using only a gallon of water to simulate underway sea showers.

6. Wear only proper uniform attire or approved coveralls in designated areas. No special T-shirts or other clothing. Once a month, weather not withstanding, clean and press one uniform, go outside, and stand for one half hour, after which you may change back into your proper uniform.

7. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or you look as though you have tangled with a demented sheepshearer.

8. Work in 18-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care it it's daytime or night. At random intervals, announce that you will either add or subtract an hour from the apparent time.

9. Listen to your favorite cassette six times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes nausea until you are glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette.

10. Cut a single bed in half lengthwise, and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position (18" is a good height). Replace the mattress with a steel plate and cover it with three inches of foam to duplicate a shipboard bunk. Place a dead animal under your bed to simulate the smell of your cubemate's sheets.

11. Set your alarm clock to go off at the "snooze" setting interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various alarms of watchstanders going off at odd times. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours.

12. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can grope for, to simulate shipboard food. Add salt. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as is humanly possible. Add more salt. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when served cold, add more lard. Add more salt. If the food contains at least one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. Add more salt. Beat you plate enthusiastically against the side of the trash can when disposing of your leftovers.

13. Periodically shut off power at the main breaker and run around screaming "Fire in the engine room! Fire in the engine room!" until you sweat profusely or lose your voice, then restore power.

14. Buy a gas mask and scrub the faceplate with steel wool until you can't see out of it. Wear it for two hours every fifth day.

15. Study the owners manual for all appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals, take each one apart and put it back together again, then test operate it at the extreme limit of its tolerances.

16. Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint all furnishings Haze grey. Stencil everything with numbers.

17. To ensure a clean and happy environment, clean every day from top to bottom. Whenever possible, repeat your efforts. when finished, inspect your work, criticizing as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good, solid effort.

18. Once a day, plug in your TV to watch a movie that you walked out on two years ago. Then watch "That's Incredible" for two hours.

19. Since you have no doctor, stock up on as many antacids, aspirin, Band-Aids, condoms, Robitussin, and suppositories as possible. These will cure any disease known to Mankind.

20. Prepare yourself for an emergency that will force you to leave the dwelling, knowing that if you leave, the biker gang you hired will simulate sharks and cut off your arms and legs. Study "First Aid for bleeding," and the fire extinguisher owner's manual until you can quote them verbatim.

21. Every three weeks or so, go outside directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and order their expensive beer. Drink as many as you can pour down in four hours, then hire a cab to return you by the longest route he can find. Tip the driver even though he doubled your fare. Lock yourself back in your dwelling for three more weeks.

22. This simulation must run at least 90 days to be effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can hope to resume a normal life, and in the hopes that it will screw up any plans you might like to make.

This guide was designed to assist those who would like to, but haven't had the opportunity or privilege to enjoy an extended period of time aboard a United States Navy vessel.