How to Get a Life

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

• Let go of the mouse.
• Turn off the computer.
• Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
• Eat something other than chips.
• Fart without recording it and putting it up your web page.
• Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
• Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your buddy list about it.
• Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
• When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
• If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.
• Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.
• Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
• Go on a date with someone you didn't meet online.