Welcome to Texas
Courtesy of David R.
Welcome to the State of Texas. The following travel advice is issued by
the Texas Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northern urbanites:
1. Do not order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2. Do not laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), Or
we will have to kick your ass.
3. Do not order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper,
7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead
to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Duke, Clinton). We don't care
if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to
our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we
would kick their ass.
6. Do not laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9. Do not talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we do not want to sound like you. We do not care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll
kick your ass.
11. Do not complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
12. Do not ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your
ass just like they did ours.
13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of our fresh air and we'll kick your sorry ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and
you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.