Irish Pub vs France
Courtesy of Prentiss F.
Irish Pub Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office
when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there
is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men
in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr . Chirac, the
war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000
tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have
modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I
must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to
call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000