Irish One Liners
Courtesy of Prentiss F.
Definition of an Irish husband: A man who hasn't
kissed his wife in twenty years, but he'll kill the
man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to
drink. Quinn considers him to be very lucky. His
wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the
Irish fight among themselves, is because that way,
they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that
whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers
with another question? "Who told you that?" asked
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer -
So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury
foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"Oh my!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to
keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that
dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "Well now, I'd prefer that you use the
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you
I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I am gettin closer."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to
control a wife?
A. A Murder Suspect.
Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying
up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break
her of it.
Sean: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, me wife is
about to have a baby!" "Is this her first baby?" the
intern asked. "No ya idjit, this is her husband,
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I
gave you improve your wife Bridget's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up
all night on their honeymoon waiting for their
sexual relations to arrive?
Me Ma wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine?
Here I hafta give up all hope of a sex life, then
once a week ya gotta let people come in and tell you
all about theirs!