Stories/Jokes: Pets & Other Critters

Pigeon Problem

By Alan E. Schmidt 'Monkey Head'

Weapon of Mayhem: Crosman AirSoft NightProwler Rifle

This is an excellent gun. However, know this, amateurs and those that lack common sense should just walk away.

Pigeons plague my neighborhood. Sitting on walls and roofs, crapping all over. What is a proud homeowner to do? I could throw a pissed off cat on the roof. Nope, too risky, might miss and have it land on my head. Decided to get the Crosman Airsoft Nightprowler Rifle. Time to take care of business and put the pigeon in its place. Stupid pigeons, who's your daddy?

I set up a bird feeder a few days in advance. Get as many of these crapping machines as I could in my back yard. Yuck it up stupid birds, Amazon is delivering my weapon of destruction. The lead pigeon had an attitude, I could tell by his swagger at the feeder. As I stared at him through the kitchen window I swear he smiled back... evil bird.

My Crosman Nighprowler arrived in just 3 days. I was anxious, I was tired of watching how large this army of birds was becoming. It was time for action.... Rambo style. Stupid birds had left 50 pounds of crap on my awning the last 3 days.

I got up at 5 a.m. and with camo pants on I set up behind a stack of lawn chairs. I set the Nighprowler on full auto. Maximum death. The airsoft performed excellent, unfortunately, my aim was that of a blind man. I shot the bird feeder. There goes 12.50. Didn't hit one bird, not one. Bird seed all over. The pigeons paid me back by leaving another 50 pounds of crap on my awning and patio. Time to kick it up a notch. I vowed that within 24 hrs those birds would be crapping on St. Peters gate.

I needed new camo. Unfortunately they don't make camo that blends with orange spanish tile. You will not escape me devil bird, I bought orange pants and shirt. Painted my old shoes orange too. Oh yeah, I blended. I may look like a clown in the mirror but on the roof... airsoft death. My adrenalin was surging. I slept with my Crosman nightprowler that night for some extra bonding.

Dawn.. I lay on the roof.. full orange camo.. the Crosman Nightprowler on full auto.. It will not be long now.

The herd of pigeons arrived quickly. There were many. They blocked out the sun as they flew in. Disgusting bird, 4 of them crapped on my as they came in for a landing. It burned my skin but I remained still. The action started quickly with the lead bird in my sights. Once again, I shot like a blind man... with his eyes closed. The multitude of plastic 6mm BBs hit a crevice and flew back at me. Face shot. In hindsight, maybe I should have bought some safety glasses with the Nightprowler. I flew down the side of the roof. Fresh pigeon poop allowed me to slide that much faster. I hit the ground like an orange missile. Followed by 14 spanish tiles. (I know it was 14 tiles because that is what the roof repairman quoted me on.) As I laid there looking up through the cloud of dust I saw the lead pigeon looking over the edge, an evil demonic smile on his face.

I conceded defeat at that moment.. you win bird. For now.

The Crosman Nightprowler still works. 14 foot fall and hit by multiple roof tiles. Tough weapon. As soon as the cast comes off its game on. The Nightprowler and I will return for a little payback. Watch your back lead bird, daddy ain't done yet. 3 really important lessons:

1) Perfect your aim before using in a "real" situation.
2) If you end up in an ambulance dressed all in orange, expect to get laughed at.
3) Pigeons are not that dumb.

Should have stuck with the angry cat throw idea.

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