Drunk Dialing Rules
Courtesy of Suzie S.
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement and can be considered punishable and used against you.
2. It is OK to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3. It is forbidden to drunk dial a family member. A true drunk dialer obeys this rule. If you must drunk dial a family member, say something nice to avoid future trouble. Example: "Mom, I'm in McDonalds and they're playing out song. I love you."
4. Talking dirty while drunk dialing is the preferred method of talking. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy phone sex voice at 3:00 AM asking to bend them over something.
5. Voice mails are not a preferred method of communication. This can be used against you and can definitely be used by multiple friends as a way of making fun at your expense.
6. Drunk texting is authorized but must be limited because you will have to be prepared to decipher the message once you are sober.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call your ex's and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. You can further tell them that you are going to have sex with mulitiple people that night because you need to make up for lost time since you wasted your time dating their unskilled asses.
8. While rule number 7 is good, it is best to call your ex's in the middle of sex. That way they can hear how well other partners please you.
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. If you must break rule number 5, it is best if you sing on the voice mail or answering machine. The only authorized singing is of TV show tunes.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light-hearted or dirty and sex crazed...Never angry!
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. For true best friends are there with you trying either to take the phone from you and telling you that you have a problem or encouraging you to drunk dial because they are drunk too.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone that you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies remember that everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if you feel like you have to call this person break rule number 15 and use a friend's phone.
17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin sniffing....be prepared.
18. When drunk dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3:00 AM does not involve cards and that it is probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when you're drunk that you let the person on the other end know you want them to do to your box. Play with it?
19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow-drying your phone when you are far too drunk to be using electronics, and you won't be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friends' parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.