Stories/Jokes: Drinking Stories

Hangin' with Norm

Courtesy of David R.

No Help Wanted:

  • Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm
  • Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
  • Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
  • Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

Fortune and Men's Weights:

  • Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
  • Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
  • Coach: What's up, Norm?
  • Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach?

Snow Job:

  • Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
  • Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
  • Coach: Beer, Normie?
  • Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young.

Norman's Conquest:

  • Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
  • Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)

  • Coach: What's up, Normie?
  • Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.

Diane Meets Mom:

  • Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
  • Norm: Going down?
  • Coach: What's up, Norm?
  • Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.

The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:

  • Sam: What's new, Normie?
  • Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.

King of the Hill:

  • Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
  • Norm: Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

The Mail Goes to Jail:

  • Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
  • Norm: Daddy wuvs you.

Behind Every Great Man:

  • Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
  • Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.

The Executive's Executioner:

  • Sam: What will you have, Norm?
  • Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
  • Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
  • Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Birth, Death, Love and Rice:

  • Sam: What do you say, Norm?
  • Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up:

  • Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
  • Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?

Diane's Nightmare:

  • Norm: -coming in from the rain- Evening, everybody.
  • All: Norm! (Norman!)
  • Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
  • Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:

  • Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
  • Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
  • Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer....
  • Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah....
  • Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.

Love Thy Neighbor:

  • Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
  • Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.

The Bar Stoolie:

  • Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.

Tan 'n Wash:

  • Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
  • Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
  • Norm: Hey, everybody.
  • All: -silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich-
  • Norm: -carries on both sides of the conversation himself- Norm! (Norman.) How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.

Home is the Sailor: -the bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around the world and sold the bar-

  • Norm: Hey, everybody.
  • Woody: Norm! -nobody else in the bar says anything-
  • Norm: That's it, I'm leaving.
  • Norm: -comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer, as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain-
  • Customer: Norm!
  • Norm: -quietly- Not now!

Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:

  • Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss:

  • Sam: How's life treating you?
  • Norm: It's not, Sammy, but you can!

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:

  • Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
  • Woody: For a beer?
  • Norm: No, for stupid questions.

Airport V:

  • Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:

  • Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
  • Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

Don't Paint Your Chickens:

  • Sam: Beer, Norm?
  • Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Call Me, Irresponsible

  • Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."

Feeble Attraction:

  • Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
  • Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

It's a Wonderful Wife:

  • Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
  • Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
  • Sam: Whatcha up to Norm?
  • Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
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