Dear Mom

DEAR MOM,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCINGS, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION MOM, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER BECAUSE SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN ME, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!! DON'T WORRY MOM; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

LOVE, YOUR SON, JOHN

P. S. MOM, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU! CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.