Stories/Jokes: On the Job

40 Things You'd Love to Say at Work

Courtesy of David R.

  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  • Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  • I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
  • I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
  • I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
  • Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  • I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
  • I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
  • And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
  • Do I look like a people person to you?
  • This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun.
  • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
  • I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
  • Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.
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