Stories/Jokes: On the Job

Want Ads

Courtesy of David R.

What the Classified Ad Says and What it Really Means:

     Word processing skills essential:
     There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

     Salary range $24,000- $32,000:
     The salary is $24,000.

     Civil service:
     This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

     Women and minorities encouraged:
     White males need not waste the time to apply.

     Top-notch communications skills:

     Salary negotiable:
     We'll take the lowest bidder.

     Advancement opportunity:
     Crappy job.

     Entry level:
     Really a crappy job.

     No experience necessary:
     The mother of all crappy jobs.

     Administrative assistant:
     Crap job with a title.

     Ground floor opportunity:
     Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

     Progressive company:
     Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

     Team player:
     Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

     Upbeat personality:
     Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

     Public relations:

     Professional appearance important:
     $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe.

     Pleasant telephone manner:
     Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME.

     Jeans job!:
     Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

     Will train:
     Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

     B.A. required, master's preferred:
     Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary.

     Outstanding benefits package:
     Health insurance.

     Tons of variety!:
     We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do rolled them into one job.

     Beautiful offices in attractive location:
     Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

     Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

     Executive secretary:
     The most powerful position in the company.

     You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

     Salary commensurate:
     We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

     Competitive salary:
     We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

     Competitive starting salary:
     Ten cents above minimum wage.

     Pleasant atmosphere:
     A staff of pod people.

     Professional atmosphere:
     Zombie pod people.

     Fun, creative atmosphere:
     Pod people from hell.

     Dynamic atmosphere:
     Zombie pod people from hell.

     Gal Friday:
     Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

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