Stories/Jokes: Pets & Other Critters

Doggie Dictionary

FRAP: What you do in the obedience ring when you are tired of heeling. Includes running wildly around the ring with a big Corgi smile on your face. Be sure to smile so everyone will know you are enjoying it. (Frantic and Random Acts of Play)

BUTT WIGGLE: What you do when you see people and/or dogs which you would like to FRAP with.

NOSE ART: The beautiful designs you make on mom's van window with your nose when she lets you ride in the front seat.

NECK ROLL: What you do when you see anything dead, including dried up nightcrawlers on the driveway. You just put your neck down and follow with rest of your body - then roll back and forth on top of the deceased "matter" with all four little legs in the air. This is especially effective when you have just had a bath.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: A malady that affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: These are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "Sit!" - especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. This is incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the regular "Bump" doesn't get the attention you require. This is especially effective when combined with "The Sniff" (see above).

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

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