Stories/Jokes: Drinking Stories

Odor Abatement

By Timothy Poteet

Here we go with another in-depth Amazon Product Review. This one is for the Automobile All-in-One - ionizer, air purifier, and air freshener. Please keep in mind that this amazing product can be purchased directly from this website with a simple click of the mouse (and $2014.49).

When u need the MOST POWERFUL stink killer on the market:

There are VERY few times in one's life, when offensive odors can't be eliminated by using your standard, widely available, off the shelf deodorizor products. In fact, many folks who will read this review may never in their lifetime be faced with a foul odor of this magnitude. The Automobile All-in-One - ionizer, air purifier, and air freshener is the bomb-diggity, ultimate stink killer and it is priced accordingly. At a whopping $2,000.00 (plus $14.49 shipping) this ain't what you reach for after Uncle Harry locks himself in your bathroom for an hour after the Thanksgiving meal.

I am about to relate two experiences where I had no choice but to deploy the Automobile All-in-One - ionizer, air purifier, and air freshener. Once with great success... the other situation, alas proved to be even too vile and putrid for the best stench eliminator money can buy.

August 5, 2009
It was Monday morning, and at 120 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest day in the recorded history of my hometown (perhaps the world). Three days prior, I had absent-mindedly left a 5 pound vat of potato salad and 3 cases of Keystone Light in my van upon returning home from the company picnic. The sweltering heat over the weekend had fused the bottom of the plastic potato salad container to the upholstery of my back seat. As I too often do on Monday mornings, I had hit the snooze alarm about 3 times too many and I was running very late for an important meeting. The smell was revolting... alarming even... but I had no time to try to rectify the situation, I had to get to the office! Luckily I live only 5 miles from work. I actually vomited from the stench twice into my 2 Gallon Automobile Floor Litterbag - Leopard during the brief commute. As I pulled into the parking lot, I resolved to attend the meeting and then somehow deal with my putrid van predicament later in the day. In my haste, I neglected to lock my van door. It gets worse.

At some point that morning, a local gang of unwashed vagrants happened along and made an ill fated decision to seek refuge in my van from the blistering heat. When their bodies were discovered that evening, the van was littered with 72 empty Keystone cans. The rotten potato salad had been voraciously consumed by the poor wretches and when coupled with the hot beer it proved to be a lethal combination. Let's just say after the bodies had been removed by local law enforcement several hours later... the smell had evolved from gut wrenching into something indescribable.

A friend told me about the $2,000 Automobile All-in-One - ionizer, air purifier, and air freshener and I thought it was worth a shot. I plugged it in and in less than 60 seconds, the van smelled fresh and clean. The "new car smell" that had faded long ago was even back! EUREKA!

Now for the unsuccessful trial:

Last month:
I was driving thru Mt Laurel, NJ. I was sitting at an intersection, waiting for the light to turn green. I looked out the passenger window of my new BMW and situated on the NW corner of the intersection was a shabby building with a sign that said "Free Lunch today for the profoundly mentally retarded."

"How very nice" I thought to myself, "that is genuine caring right there."

Out from the door of that building, stumbled an ugly little fellow, his face covered with ravioli sauce... and he headed directly for my passenger door! I steeled my nerves, determined to show kindness to my fellow man.

"Can you give me a ride to the VD clinic?" he implored, "It's just two blocks away."

"Sure I can pal, climb on in." I replied, unlocking the passenger door for him. "What's your name fella?" I queried, as climbed aboard.

"I'm [REAL NAME NOT DISCLOSED HERE TO PROTECT HIS PRIVACY... instead, I'll use randomly generated letters and numbers] SPJ400" he said, opening his mouth for the first time since breaching the protective barrier of my passenger door.

When he spoke, the most foul odor I have ever imagined emanated from his mouth (I think)... It made my eyes water, it made me long for the smell of those decaying corpses in my old van... He was in the car for no more than 30 seconds, but the damage was done. This time I purchased TWO Automobile All-in-One - ionizer, air purifier, and air fresheners and placed them in my car. They had no impact on the odor whatsoever. I left them turned on full blast for a week... no luck. I ended up excavating a large pit in my back yard and burying the vehicle under several hundred pounds of lime. Just yesterday my neighbors dog meandered over the spot and immediately fell over dead.

This is the best air freshening product known to man... well worth the $2,000 + $14.49 shipping. Just don't expect it to perform miracles.

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