Stories/Jokes: Military Humor

Army: Past & Present

Courtesy of David R.

Past: Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a 7.62 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Present: Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .223 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

Past: If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Present: If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

Past: If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Present: If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

Past: NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Present: Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Past: We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Present: We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Past: If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Present: If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab.

Past: Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Present: Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

Past: Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Present: Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

Past: If you don't act right, the commander might put you in a cell till you straighten up.
Present: If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

Past: Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Present: Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

Past: You slept in a barracks... like a soldier.
Present: You sleep in a dormitory... like a college kid.

Past: You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Present: You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Past: If you wanted to relax, you went to the Recreation Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Present: You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

Past: If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Present: The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

Past: The Post Echange had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Present: You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Past: If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts.
Present: Now a Major prepares the charts spending hours using Power Point.

Past: Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Present: Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

Past: If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Present: If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

Past: A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Present: A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

Past: All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Present: All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

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