The Borg Meet Microsoft®
A Star Trek Lost Espisodes Transcript
[Picard]
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?
[Geordi]
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
[Riker looks puzzled..]
What the hell is "Microsoft®?"
[Data turns to answer..]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
called "Windows©", through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate.
[Picard]
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
[Data]
Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it will generate new
requirements of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions.
[Picard]
Excellent work. This is even better than that "unsolvable geometric
shape" idea.
... 15 Minutes Later ...
[Data]
Captain, We have successfully installed the "Windows©" in the command
unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.
We however have not received any confirmation of the expected "upgrade"
yet.
[Geordi]
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, But we still have not received anything
regarding the 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.
[Picard]
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.
[Data]
Sir, I believe the "upgrade" has started. I detect something called
"Service Pack 2". Something seems to be happening, their systems are
starting to look unstable and needing more system resources.
[Captain]
Their systems seem to have locked trying to execute normal
operational functions. Wait, they are re-powering...
[Riker]
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence Riker 3F.
[Geordi, excited]
Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0!
[Picard]
Data, what do your scanners show?
[Data]
Apparently the Borg have found the internal "Windows" module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.
[Picard]
Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their
functionality.
.. Two Hours Pass . ... .
[Riker]
Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?
[Geordi]
As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor
beacon to transmit more "windows" modules from something called
"Windows Updates".
[Picard]
How much time will that buy us?
[Data]
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours.
[Geordi]
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
[Picard]
Identify.
[Data]
It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft®" logo.
[Over the speakers]
THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT® FLAGSHIP, MONOPOLY. WE
HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS.
[Data]
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects.
[Picard]
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.
[Riker]
Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg
ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space?!
[Data]
I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits.
[Riker and Picard together horrified]
LAWYERS !!
[Geordi]
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
[Data]
True, but apparently some must have survived.
[Riker]
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with papers.
[Data]
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as "red tape". It
often proves fatal. The Borg are now attempting to contact for help, but
the MONOPOLY refuses to answer.
[Riker]
They're transmitting more modules, system overload is eminent, it's
tearing the Borg to pieces!
[Picard]
Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that.
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