Stories/Jokes: Off-Color Humor

Bean Surprise

Courtesy of David R.

Once upon a time there was a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and reserved man,he would never go for this kind of carrying on" so, she made a supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she would walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more then she could handle. Since she still had several miles to walk she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All thw way home, she putt-putted. Upon arriving she felt reasonably sure she could control her gas. Her husband seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans that she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned vigorously the air around her. She then shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes . When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she peeked, which she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

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