Irish One Liners

Courtesy of Prentiss F.

Definition of an Irish husband: A man who hasn't kissed his wife in twenty years, but he'll kill the man who does.


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn considers him to be very lucky. His wife makes him walk.


The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight among themselves, is because that way, they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"Oh my!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"


Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "Well now, I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I am gettin closer."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A Murder Suspect.


Finnegin: Me wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Sean: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.


Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, me wife is about to have a baby!" "Is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No ya idjit, this is her husband, Kevin"!


"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife Bridget's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


Me Ma wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine? Here I hafta give up all hope of a sex life, then once a week ya gotta let people come in and tell you all about theirs!


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